[Mb-civic] Revocation of your Independence

[Rhaerther at aol.com]

This first appeared about four years ago, a friend from the UK recently  
resent it.  It seems even more fitting now.  Point 14 should be  instituted even 
if there is no revocation of independence.
   
 
TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

RE: Revocation of  your Independence

In the light of your failure to elect a proper  President of the USA and thus 
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the  revocation of your 
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen  Elizabeth II will resume 
monarchial duties over all states,
commonwealths and  other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. 
Your new prime  minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% 
of you who have  until now been unaware that there is a world outside your 
borders) will appoint  a minister for America without the need for further 
elections. Congress and the  Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to  determine whether any of you 
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British  Crown Dependency, the following 
rules are introduced with immediate effect:  

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then 
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at  just 
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated  
in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing  
more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you
will learn to spell 'doughnut'  without skipping half the letters. You will 
end your love affair with the letter  'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the 
suffix "ize" will be replaced by the  suffix "ise". You will learn that the 
suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g.  Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell 
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't  cope with correct pronunciation. 
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to  acceptable levels. Look up 
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words  interspersed with filler noises such 
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable  and inefficient form of 
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no  more 'bleeps' in the Jerry 
Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with  bad language then you 
shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your  vocabulary then you 
won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is  no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on 
your behalf. The  Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the 
reinstated  letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to  distinguish the English and Australian accents. It 
really isn't that hard.  English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class 
twit or Mancunian  (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to 
understand regional  accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer 
be broadcast with  subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn 
that there is no  such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county 
is "Devon". If you  persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States 
will become "shires" e.g.  Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required  occasionally to cast English actors as the 
good guys. Hollywood will be required  to cast English actors to play English 
characters. British sit-coms such as "Men  Behaving Badly? or "Red Dwarf" will 
not be re-cast and watered down for a  wishy-washy American audience who can't 
cope with the humour of occasional  political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national  anthem, "God Save The Queen", 
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would  not want you to get 
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should  stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of 
football. What you  refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 
2.15% of you who  are aware that there is a world outside your borders may 
have noticed that no  one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be 
allowed to play it,  and should instead play proper football. Initially, it 
would be best if you  played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of 
you brave enough will,  in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to 
American "football", but  does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty 
seconds or wearing full Kevlar  body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get 
together at least a US rugby  sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing 
baseball. It is not reasonable to  host an event called the 'World Series' for a 
game which is not played outside  of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware 
that
there is a world beyond  your borders, your error is understandable. Instead 
of baseball, you will be  allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" 
which is baseball without fancy  team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or 
hotdogs.

7. You should  declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if 
they give you any  merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a 
world outside your  borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have 
never been the bad  guys. "Merde" is French for "$hit". You will no longer be 
allowed to own or  carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more  dangerous in public than a vegetable 
peeler. Because we don't believe you are  sensible enough to handle potentially 
dangerous items, you will require a permit  if you wish to carry a vegetable 
peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no  longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new 
national holiday, but only  in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are  hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own 
good. When we show you  German cars, you will understand what we mean. All 
road intersections will be  replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on 
the left with immediate  effect. At the same time, you will go metric with 
immediate effect and without  the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and 
metrication will help you  understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real  chips. Those things you call French fries 
are not real chips. Fries aren't even  French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of 
you (including the guy who discovered  fries while in Europe) are not aware 
of a country called Belgium. Those things  you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips  are 
thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is  
beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be 
more  aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt  per cup will be added to all 
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,  this quantity to be doubled 
for tea made within the city of Boston  itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not  actually beer 
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter  will be 
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted  provenance will 
be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as  "American Beer" 
will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine",  with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company 
whose  product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This 
will allow  true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, 
Czech  Republic) to be sold without risk of
confusion.

13. From December 1st  the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you 
will be permitted to keep  calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the 
former USA. The UK will  harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the 
Former USA will, in  return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get 
used to  it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,  lawyers or 
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists  shows that 
you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be  handled by 
adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without  suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not 
grown up enough to  handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us  crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you  shortly to 
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to  1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

Rt Hon David  Blunkett
Home Secretary


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