[Mb-civic] CBC Arts - SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO A ... CARBURETOR?

[CBC Arts]

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SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO A ... CARBURETOR?
WebPosted Thu Jul 28 14:33:39 2005

---A man who compared a woman's chest to a carburetor has won an annual
contest celebrating the worst writing in the English language.

Dan McKay, a computer analyst from North Dakota, beat thousands of
entrants to the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest run by San Jose
University with this bit of prose:

"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg
carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire highly functional yet
pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold,
aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners
begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the
shop manual."

The 43-year-old writer said he was inspired by a line from the musical
Chicago when character Roxie Hart complains of her husband's incompetence
in the bedroom: "He made love to me like he was fixing a carburetor or
something."

The literary parody contest, which began in 1982, encourages writers to
send in the opening of an imaginary novel. The contest was created to
honour writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel Paul
Clifford began with "It was a dark and stormy night."

McKay wins $250 for his literary feat.

"We want writers with a little talent, but no taste," said Scott Rice, a
professor of English at the university. "Dan's entry was just ludicrous."

The contest also awards other types of entries. Here's the winner of the
"Adventure Category" from Bryan Semrow of Wisconsin:

"Captain Burton stood at the bow of his massive sailing ship, his
weathered face resembling improperly cured leather that wouldn't even be
used to make a coat or something."

Kevin Hogg of Cranbrook, B.C. took the prize under the "Dark and Stormy
Night" category:

"It was a dark and stormy night, although technically it wasn't black or
anything – more of a gravy color like the spine of the 1969
Scribner's Sons edition of A Farewell to Arms, and, truth be told, the
storm didn't sound any more fierce than the opening to Leon Russell's
1975 classic, Back to the Island ."

Mary Potts of Florida sent in this zinger for the Romance section:

"Sandra had waited and wished for Gary to come sweep her off her feet,
feeling just like Lois Lane waiting for her handsome, masculine Superman
to come fly her away from the humdrum of everyday life, but Gary had
never come, and so she'd ended up with Herman, a man as bald as Lex
Luthor with worse eyesight than Clark Kent and the maturity level of
Jimmy Olsen."

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