[Mb-civic] After the Scandal: UR Sec. General speaks (Shrimsley-FT)

[Alexander Harper]

After the scandal: UR chief speaks 

Few would deny that it has been a torrid time for the United Residents, the peacekeeping body of Middle Road, and for myself as secretary-general. 
 
As you know, the UR sprang from the desire to end the years of bloody feuding among the residents and was modelled on the United Nations (you will have seen the sculpture of a twisted broom handle outside our HQ). 

For decades the street had been riven by conflict: aggressive barbecueing; urban fox-hunt saboteurs; the usual things. However, when the skirmishes over access rights to the passage between number 79 and 81 turned into full-scale name-calling it was clear a new approach was needed. 

The UR has been a real force for good. Our swift action in sending a force into number 63 prevented the battle for the TV remote from spiralling into a humanitarian disaster. When number 54 ran out of Sultana Bran only our delivery of emergency cereal prevented the Joneses leaving for work on an empty stomach. 

We do not always succeed. Despite all our efforts, we have been unable to halt the tiresome late night deliveries of unordered pizzas to the Robinsons. The aggressor is defying all resolutions telling him to desist. Thus far our sanctions regime - cancellation of his Blockbuster card - has had little impact. 

We have also been criticised for our failure to act over the murders at number 23. However, our constitution prevents us intervening in the domestic affairs of a sovereign household except in cases of serial killing. So although we regret the deaths, our inquiry has accepted the word of the occupant, a Miss Sue Dan, that the 27 bodies found under her patio were workmen who perished while excavating the garden in readiness for a new lawn and decking. 

Of course we are not perfect. Our general assembly meetings do drag on a bit; some wonder whether the annual tree-pruning requires speeches by every resident, but bore-bore is better than war-war. An organisation of our size inevitably suffers from bureaucracy and competing territorial interests. Our policy of awarding jobs on a geographic basis can prevent us getting the best candidate but I am clear that it was Surrey's turn to landscape the communal gardens. 

However, I accept the recent scandal over our anti-graffiti programmes and my son cast a cloud over our work. I am therefore pleased an investigation has found no real evidence to connect me to any wrongdoing. 

Naturally I knew that Rob Jnr had been hired as a sales opportunities consultant for a commercial cleaning firm specialising in graffiti removal. But I had no reason to connect his appointment with either his extensive collection of spray-paint cans or with the sudden eruption of graffiti on the fences, walls and slow-moving pedestrians of our street. I love my son; his work hangs on some of the best railway bridges in London. 

But as the inquiry shows, I was not involved in, or aware of, the awarding of the contract to Shrimclean. I realise I was wrong to deny that I met its chief executive privately, shortly before the contract was awarded, but I can't be expected to remember every meeting with the head of a company for which my son works and which also employs one of my oldest friends. 

With hindsight I can see the actions of my chief of staff (Auntie Rita) in shredding bundles of papers found in Robert Jnr's room might look bad. But honestly, it was just part of our usual eight-month clear-out. The room was a real mess and there was no reason to connect those rough sketches with the Middle Road artwork. Some may find it odd that this never came up in conversations with my son, but have you ever tried talking to your children? Unless I'm offering a new BMX bike I'm lucky to get a grunt. 

Now that this grim business is behind me, I want to dedicate the rest of my term to reform of our outmoded structures and ensuring that no future contract becomes a byword for fraud and kickbacks. I am convinced we need to widen the permanent membership of our security council beyond the five detached houses on the street - perhaps to include those two nine-storey blocks of flats near the station - and streamline our administration. Do we really need 43 regional co-ordinators for a neighbourhood watch service? 

To those who say I should resign, my reply is hell no. I'm busy working for a better, safer Middle Road. 


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