[Mb-hair] Christmas With Louise

[SharmagneS at aol.com]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find 
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners.  This won first prize.

  

 Christmas With Louise

  

 As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace 
before Christmas.  He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they 
say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas 
morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose 
hung sadly empty.

  

 One year I decided to make his dream come true.  I put on sunglasses and 
went in search of an inflatable love doll.  They don't sell those things at 
Wal-Mart.  I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

  

 If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.  You'll only confuse 
yourself.  I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're 
kidding me!  Who would buy that?"  Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll 
section.

  

 I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as 
a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

  

 Finding what I wanted was difficult.  Love Dolls come in many different 
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd 
only seen in a book on animal husbandry.  I settled for Lovable Louise.  She 
was at the bottom of the price scale.  To call Louise a doll took a huge leap 
of imagination.

  

 On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to 
life.

  

 My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning 
hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with 
Louise's pliant legs and bottom.  I also ate some cookies and drank what 
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.  I went home, and giggled for a couple 
of hours.

  

 The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house 
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog 
confused.   She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

  

 We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the 
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas 
dinner.

  

 My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.  "What the 
hell is that?" she asked.

  

 My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

  

 "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

  

 I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

  

 "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

  

 "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the 
dining room.

  

 But Granny was relentless.  "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

  

 Again, I could have answered, but why would I?  It was Christmas and no one 
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

  

 My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and 
said,  "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

  

 I told him she was Jay's friend.

  

 A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not 
just talking, but actually flirting.  It was then that we realized this might 
be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

  

 The dinner went well.  We made the usual small talk about who had died, who 
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my 
father in the bathroom in the morning.  Then she lurched from the panty hose, 
flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

  

 The cat screamed.  I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran 
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth 
resuscitation.  My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

  

 Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

  

 It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

  

 Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide 
the cause of Louise's collapse.  We discovered that Louise had suffered from a 
hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

  

 Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to 
perfect health!

  
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