[Mb-hair] Who's Afraid of Polygamy? By JOHN TIERNEY

[Michael Butler]

The New York Times
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March 11, 2006
Op-Ed Columnist
Who's Afraid of Polygamy?
By JOHN TIERNEY

If gay marriage becomes legal, its opponents have been warning, the next
step in America's moral deterioration will be legalized polygamy. These
conservatives won't be happy with "Big Love," the HBO series starting
tomorrow night.

This story of a husband with three wives in Utah will not terrify Americans.
Polygamy doesn't come off as a barbaric threat to the country's moral
fabric. It looks more like what it really is: an arrangement that can make
sense for some people in some circumstances, but not one that could ever be
a dangerous trend in America.

After watching the husband on the show struggle to pay for three households
and watching his three wives struggle for his attention, the question that
comes to mind is not how to keep polygamy illegal. The question is why we
bother to ban something that takes so much work these days.

When polygamy was outlawed in the 19th century, the Supreme Court upheld the
ban by citing the "evil consequences" of a practice that "has always been
odious among the northern and western nations of Europe." It dismissed
polygamy as "a feature of the life of Asiatic and of African people," as if
that were reason enough to damn it.

Yet an institution that has been around for so long must have had something
going for it. Humans aren't as inclined to polygamy as some apes are ‹ we
probably evolved as hunter-gatherers who mostly had one mate at a time ‹ but
some form of polygamy has existed in the vast majority of cultures.

Some opponents of polygamy call it the exploitation of women by rich men,
and that's true if the wives are coerced into the marriages. But many wives
have willingly chosen it, like the three women on "Big Love," who have
married a successful businessman.

These three wives, who live in adjacent houses, sound much like the women in
polygamous marriages I've talked to in rural Africa. The African wives told
me they had mixed feelings about the arrangement ‹ and their fellow wives ‹
but over all, they figured it was better to share one prosperous husband
than to marry someone else without land, cows or a job.

That's the way social scientists figure it, too. Polygamy isn't the cause of
women's low status in traditional societies, but rather a consequence of
their trying to move up. The biggest losers from polygamy are the poorer men
who end up with no wives. Women benefit because polygamy increases their
number of marriage prospects ‹ and in traditional societies, marriage is
often the only way for a woman to improve her status.

Even in those societies, polygamy is practiced by just a small minority
because few men have enough resources to entice more than one wife. As a
society modernizes and women become educated, they gain other economic
options and become less and less willing to share a husband. Eventually
polygamy is out of question for practically everyone, men and women. At that
point, the monogamous majority can safely proclaim its moral superiority and
outlaw the practice for everyone else.

Critics say children would be better off growing up in a home with a
full-time father, but a part-time one is better than what's in many homes
today. The father in "Big Love" is more like Ward Cleaver than today's alpha
males who've dumped a series of wives and families.

Polygamy isn't necessarily worse than the current American alternative:
serial monogamy.

Elizabeth Joseph, a lawyer and journalist who was married to a polygamist in
Utah, says her experience handling divorce cases made her appreciate the
stability of her marriage. She also appreciated other perks, like the
round-the-clock day care that enabled her to keep an unpredictable schedule
at work and to relax when she came home.

"If I'm dog-tired and stressed out, I can be alone and guilt-free," she
explained in a speech to the National Organization for Women. "It's a rare
day when all eight of my husband's wives are tired and stressed at the same
time." She told the NOW audience that polygamy "offers an independent women
a real chance to have it all" and represented "the ultimate feminist
lifestyle."

She won't persuade many American women, feminists or otherwise. But if a few
consenting adults like her still want to practice polygamy, there's no
reason to stop them. And if the specter of legalized polygamy is the best
argument against gay marriage, let the wedding bells ring.

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