MB Civic

You know, Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore

Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighborly, Moishe passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, “Who wrote this shit?”

The London Stone is a historic stone that is now set within a Portland stone surround and iron grille on Cannon Street, in the City of London.The London Stone is a block of oolitic limestone and measures approximately 53 x 43 x 30 cm (21 x 17 x 12 inches). This material does not occur naturally in London, its nearest source being in Kent. It is thought to have originally been much larger, and (traditionally) to have been a Roman milestone, or possibly a Druidic altar. It is also said to be the milliarium, marking the central spot from which all distances were measured in Roman Britain. (The stone is very close to the center of the east-west diameter of the City of London, as defined by the Roman walls.)The Stone sometimes called the Stone of Brutus, referring to legendary Trojan founder of London in around 1,000 BC.
Brutus or Brute of Troy is a legendary descendant of the Trojan hero Aeneas, known in medieval British legend as the eponymous founder and first king of Britain. This legend first appears in the Historia Britonum, a 9th century historical compilation attributed to Nennius, but is best known from the account given by the 12th century chronicler Geoffrey of Monmouth in his Historia Regum Britanniae. However, he is not mentioned in any classical text and is not considered to be historical.
Historia Britonum
The Historia Britonum states that “The island of Britain derives its name from Brutus, a Roman consul” who conquered Spain. A more detailed story, set before the foundation of Rome, follows, in which Brutus is the grandson or great grandson of Aeneas.
Following Roman sources such as Livy and Virgil, the Historia tells how Aeneas settled in Italy after the Trojan War, and how his son Ascanius founded Alba Longa, one of the precursors of Rome. Ascanius married, and his wife became pregnant. In a variant version, the father is Silvius, who is identified as either the second son of Aeneas, previously mentioned in the Historia, or as the son of Ascanius. A magician, asked to predict the child’s future, said it would be a boy and that he would be the bravest and most beloved in Italy. Enraged, Ascanius had the magician put to death. The mother died in childbirth.The boy, named Brutus, later accidentally killed his father with an arrow and was banished from Italy. After wandering among the islands of the Tyrrhenian Sea and through Gaul, where he founded the city of Tours, Brutus eventually came to Britain, named it after himself, and filled it with his descendants. His reign is synchronised to the time the High Priest Eli was judge in Israel, and the Ark of the Covenant was taken by the Philistines. A variant version of the Historia Britonum makes Brutus the son of Ascanius’s son Silvius, and traces his genealogy back to Ham, son of Noah. Another chapter traces Brutus’s genealogy differently, making him the great-grandson of the legendary Roman king Numa Pompilius, who was himself a son of Ascanius, and tracing his descent from Noah’s son Japheth. These Christianising traditions conflict with the classical Trojan genealogies, relating the Trojan royal family to Greek gods.Yet another Brutus, son of Hisicion, son of Alanus the first European, also traced back across many generations to Japheth, is referred to in the Historia Britonum. This Brutus’s brothers were Francus, Alamanus and Romanus, also ancestors of significant European nations.
Historia Regum BritanniaeGeoffrey of Monmouth’s account tells much the same story, but in greater detail. In this version, Brutus is explicitly the grandson, rather than son, of Ascanius; his father is Ascanius’ son Silvius. The magician who predicts great things for the unborn Brutus also foretells he will kill both his parents. He does so, in the same manner described in the Historia Britonum, and is banished. Travelling to Greece, he discovers a group of Trojans enslaved there. He becomes their leader, and after a series of battles they defeat the Greek king Pandrasus by attacking his camp at night after capturing the guards. He takes him hostage and forces him to let his people go. He is given Pandrasus’s daughter Ignoge in marriage, and ships and provisions for the voyage, and sets sail.The Trojans land on a deserted island and discover an abandoned temple to Diana. After performing the appropriate ritual, Brutus falls asleep in front of the goddess’s statue and is given a vision of the land where he is destined to settle, an island in the western ocean inhabited only by a few giants.After some adventures in north Africa and a close encounter with the Sirens, Brutus discovers another group of exiled Trojans living on the shores of the Tyrrhenian Sea, led by the prodigious warrior Corineus. In Gaul, Corineus provokes a war with Goffarius Pictus, king of Aquitaine, after hunting in the king’s forests without permission. Brutus’s nephew Turonus dies in the fighting, and the city of Tours is founded where he is buried. The Trojans win most of their battles but are conscious that the Gauls have the advantage of numbers, so go back to their ships and sail for Britain, then called Albion. They meet the giant descendants of Albion and defeat them.Brutus renames the island after himself and becomes its first king. Corineus becomes ruler of Cornwall, which is named after him. They are harassed by the giants, but kill all of them but their leader, Gogmagog, who is saved for a wrestling match against Corineus. Corineus throws him over a cliff to his death. Brutus then founds a city on the banks of the River Thames, which he calls Troia Nova, or New Troy, siting his palace where is now Guildhall and a temple to Diana on what is now St Paul’s (with the London Stone being a part of the altar at the latter). The name is in time corrupted to Trinovantum, and is later called London. He creates laws for his people and rules for twenty-four years. He is buried at a temple at Tower Hill. After his death the island is divided between his three sons, Locrinus (England), Albanactus (Scotland) and Kamber (Wales).Early translations and adaptations of Geoffrey’s Historia, such as Wace’s Norman French Roman de Brut, Layamon’s Middle English Brut, were named after Brutus, and the word “Brut” came to mean a chronicle of British history. One of several Middle Welsh adaptations was called the Brut y Brenhinedd (“Chronicle of the Kings”). Brut y Tywysogion (“Chronicle of the Princes”), a major chronicle for the Welsh rulers from the 7th century to loss of independence, is a purely historical work containing no legendary material but the title reflects the influence of Geoffrey’s work and in one sense can be seen as a “sequel” to it. Early chroniclers of Britain, such as Alfred of Beverley, Nicholas Trivet and Giraldus Cambrensis began their histories of Britain with Brutus. The foundation myth of Brutus having settled in Britain was still considered as genuine history during the Early Modern Period, for example Holinshed’s Chronicles (1577) considers the Brutus myth to be factual.Geoffrey’s Historia says that Brutus and his followers landed at Totnes in Devon. A stone on Fore Street in Totnes, known as the “Brutus Stone”, commemorates this. Popular legends include the stone being the remains of an ancient stone circle that is alleged to have stood on Ludgate Hill and even the stone from which King Arthur withdrew the legendary “Sword in the Stone”.The earliest written reference to the London Stone is in a book belonging to Æthelstan, King of the West Saxons in the early 10th century. In the list of lands and rents of Christ Church, Canterbury, some places are said to be “near unto London stone”. It was already a landmark in 1198 when it was referred to on maps as Lonenstane or Londenstane. The first mayor of London was Henry Fitz-Ailwin de Londonestone (meaning ‘Henry, son of Ailwin of London Stone’), who served the city some time between 1189 and 1193, and was described as “the draper of London Stone”. However, the appellation may also refer to the large stone house he built, at a time when most houses in the City were of wood—the mere mention of its uncommon material being sufficient to distinguish it, and him. Similarly, it may denote only that the stone house was constructed in close proximity to an already ancient London Stone.Walter George Bell (writing in 1920), noted that “some years ago,” members of the London and Middlesex Archaeological Society were present when the Stone’s casing was removed. “It then proved to be a piece of oolitic building stone.” Bell notes that “there is not the smallest rag of evidence associating it with Londinium,” and that it may well be a section of the foundation of Henry Fitz-Ailwin’s stone house which remained after the rest of the house was gone, and which was honored for its association with London’s first mayor and with independent self-government for the City. London Stone would in that case date from the late 12th century, which accords with mentions of it in surviving records. The London Stone was for many hundreds of years recognised as the symbolic authority and heart of the City of London. It was the place where deals were forged and oaths were sworn. It was also the point from which official proclamations were made. Jack Cade, popular leader of those who rebelled against Henry VI in 1450, observed the tradition by striking his sword against it as a symbol of sovereignty after his forces entered London; on striking the stone, he then felt emboldened to declare himself “Lord of the City”. This event was dramatized in William Shakespeare’s Henry VI, Part 2 (Act 4, Scene 6) — except that, in the play, the sword became a staff.
Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and flashes her
Sadie says, “This you call a lining?”
The Stone of Jacob appears in the Book of Genesis as the stone used as a pillow by the Israelite patriarch Jacob at the place later called Bet-El. As Jacob had a vision in his sleep, he then consecrated the stone to God. More recently, the stone has been claimed by Scottish folklore and British Israelism.
The Stone of Scone Scottish Gaelic: An Lia Fàil), also known as the Stone of Destiny and often referred to in England as The Coronation Stone, is an oblong block of red sandstone, used for centuries in the coronation of the monarchs of Scotland and later the monarchs of England, Great Britain and the United Kingdom. Historically, the artifact was kept at the now-ruined Scone Abbey in Scone, near Perth, Scotland. Other names by which it has sometimes been known include Jacob’s Pillow Stone and the Tanist Stone, and in Scottish Gaelic clach-na-cinneamhain. Its size is about 26 inches (660 mm) by 16.75 inches (425 mm) by 10.5 inches (270 mm) and its weight is approximately 336 pounds (152 kg). The top bears chisel-marks At each end of the stone is an iron ring, apparently intended to make transport easier In the 14th century, the English cleric and historian Walter Hemingford described the Scottish coronation stone as residing in the monastery of Scone, a few miles north of Perth:Apud Monasterium de Scone positus est lapis pergrandis in ecclesia Dei, juxta manum altare, concavus quidam ad modum rotundae cathedreaie confectus, in quo future reges loco quasi coronatis.In the monastery of Scone, in the church of God, near to the high altar, is kept a large stone, hollowed out as a round chair, on which their kings were placed for their ordination, according to custom. Various theories and legends exist about the stone’s history prior to its residence at Scone: Legends hold that this stone was the coronation stone of the early Dál Riata Gaels, which they brought with them from Ireland when settling Scotland. The more historically supported story is of Fergus, son of Ferchard. As the first King of the Scots in Scotland, he is recorded to have brought the stone (and some claim the coronation chair as well, though this is unlikely) from Ireland to Argyll, and was crowned in it.In either case, these legends present a transport from Ireland and connection to the stone Lia Fáil, the coronation stone of the kings of Tara. As referenced above, the Scottish Gaelic, clach-na-cinneamhain, clach Sgàin, and Lia(th) Fàil lends strong etymological support. Legends place the origins in Biblical times and consider the stone to be the Stone of Jacob taken by Jacob while in Haran (Genesis 28:10-22). According to Hector Boece, the Stone was first kept in the west of Scotland at the lost city of Evonium. Founded by Evenus, or Ewin, Evonium and its founder have been tentatively identified as Irvine, Ayrshire, a medieval power centre on the west coast of Scotland, and with Dunstaffnage, in Argyll. The stone taken by Edward I of England to Westminster has been proven[ by geologists to be a “lower Old Red Sandstone” quarried in the vicinity of Scone. This account has, of course, limited its history to that land. While many have differed on the specific Scottish-Pictish origin of the Old Red Sandstone of which the artifact is comprised, the Irish geological origin has been precluded. However, the stratigraphy of stone’s makeup, particularly the quantity and type of fossil particulates and silicates, diminish a precise match to Old Red Sandstone. That the composite could have origins outside of the British Isles, though contextually dismissed, should be considered. Doubts as to the present stone’s authenticity have however existed for a long time now. One example can be cited to show that they date back at least a couple of hundred years.A letter to the editor of the Morning Chronicle of 2 January, 1819 states that “On the 19th of November, as the servants belonging to the West Mains of Dunsinane-house, were employed in carrying away stones from the excavation made among the ruins that point out the site of Macbeth’s castle here, part of the ground they stood on suddenly gave way, and sunk down about six feet, discovering a regularly built vault, about six feet long and four wide. None of the men being injured, curiosity induced them to clear out the subterranean recess, when they discovered among the ruins a large stone, weighing about 500l. which is pronounced to be of the meteoric or semi-metallic kind. This stone must have lain here during the long series of ages since Macbeth’s reign. Besides it were also found two round tablets, of a composition resembling bronze. On one of these two lines are engraved, which a gentleman has thus deciphered.—’ The sconce (or shadow) of kingdom come, until Sylphs in air carry me again to Bethel.’ These plates exhibit the figures of targets for the arms. From time immemorial it has been believed among us here, that unseen hands brought Jacob’s pillow from Bethel, and dropped it on the site where the palace of Scoon now stands. A strong belief is also entertained by many in this part of the country, that it was only a representation of this Jacob’s pillow that Edward sent to Westminster, the sacred stone not having been found by him. The curious here, aware of such traditions, and who have viewed these venerable remains of antiquity, agree that Macbeth may, or rather must, have deposited the stone in question at the bottom of his Castle, on the hill of Dunsinane (from the trouble of the times), where it has been found by the workmen. This curious stone has been shipped for London for the inspection of the scientific amateur, in order to discover its real qualityIn 1296 the Stone was captured by Edward I as spoils of war and taken to Westminster Abbey, where it was fitted into a wooden chair, known as King Edward’s Chair, on which most subsequent English sovereigns have been crowned. Doubtless by this he intended to symbolize his claim to be “Lord Paramount” of Scotland with right to oversee its King.Some doubt exists over the stone captured by Edward I. The Westminster Stone theory posits that the monks at Scone Palace hid the real stone in the River Tay or buried it on Dunsinane Hill, and that the English troops were fooled into taking a substitute. Some proponents of the theory claim that historic descriptions of the stone do not match the present stone. If the monks did hide the stone, they hid it well; no other stone fitting its description has ever been found.In The Treaty of Northampton 1328, between the Kingdom of Scotland and the Kingdom of England, England agreed to return the captured Stone to Scotland. However, riotous crowds prevented it from being removed from Westminster Abbey. It was to remain in England for another six centuries. In the course of time James VI of Scotland came to the English throne as James I of England but the stone remained in London; for the next century, the Stuart Kings and Queens of Scotland once again sat on the stone — but at their coronation as Kings and Queens of England and Scotland.On 11 June 1914, a lady’s handbag, containing an explosive device, was hung on the back of King Edward’s Chair. It exploded at around 5:50 pm, blowing off part of the carved work at the back of the chair. Although no individual was charged with carrying out the attack, suffragettes were blamed because of the passage of the recent Cat and Mouse Act The initial police report indicated that the damage to the chair was minor, but did not say whether there was any damage to the stone.
Removal and damageOn Christmas Day 1950, a group of four Scottish students (Ian Hamilton, Gavin Vernon, Kay Matheson, and Alan Stuart) took the Stone from Westminster Abbey for return to Scotland. In the process of removing it from the Abbey the stone broke into two pieces. After hiding the greater part of the stone with travellers in Kent for a few days, they risked the road blocks on the border and returned to Scotland with this piece, which they had hidden in the back of a borrowed car, along with a new accomplice John Josselyn. The smaller piece was similarly brought north a little while later. This journey involved a break in Leeds, where a group of sympathetic students and graduates took the fragment to Ilkley Moor for an overnight stay, accompanied by renditions of “On Ilkla Moor Baht ‘at”. The Stone was then passed to a senior Glasgow politician who arranged for it to be professionally repaired by Glasgow stonemason Robert Gray.A major search for the stone had been ordered by the British Government, but this proved unsuccessful. Perhaps assuming that the Church would not return it to England, the stone’s custodians left it on the altar of Arbroath Abbey, on 11 April 1951, in the safekeeping of the Church of Scotland. Once the London police were informed of its whereabouts, the Stone was returned to Westminster. Afterwards, rumours circulated that copies had been made of the Stone, and that the returned Stone was not in fact the original. Ian Hamilton spoke of the removal and damage of the stone as recently as 26 July 2009 at The Gathering 2009 in Edinburgh.Return to ScotlandIn 1996, in a symbolic response to growing dissatisfaction among Scots at the prevailing constitutional settlement, the British Conservative Government decided that the Stone should be kept in Scotland when not in use at coronations. On 3 July 1996 it was announced in the House of Commons that the Stone would be returned to Scotland, and on 15 November 1996, after a handover ceremony at the border between representatives of the Home Office and of the Scottish Office, it was transported to Edinburgh Castle, arriving on 30 November 1996, where it remains along with the crown jewels of Scotland in the Crown Room. The handover was done on St. Andrew’s Day (patron Saint of Scotland); the Queen sent as her representative Prince Andrew. Provision has been made to transport the stone to Westminster Abbey when it is required there for future coronation ceremonies
Biblical context
According to account given in Genesis (Chapter 28:10-22), Jacob was fleeing from his elder twin brother Esau, whom he had tricked out of receiving their father Isaac’s blessing of the first-born. On his flight, Jacob rested at a city called Luz and used a group of stones as a pillow.In his dreams, he then saw… a ladder was set up on the earth, and its top reached to heaven; and there the angels of God were ascending and descending on it. And behold, the LORD stood above it and said: “I am the LORD God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac; the land on which you lie I will give to you and your descendants. Also your descendants shall be as the dust of the earth; you shall spread abroad to the west and the east, to the north and the south; and in you and in your seed all the families of the earth shall be blessed. Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done what I have spoken to you.” After waking up, Jacob exclaimed: “How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven!” Subsequently, he called the place Bet-El, which translates to “House of God”. He set up the stone he had slept on as a pillar, and consecrated it. He also made a vow to God in reference to his eventual return. Later role in Israelite history Though the Stone of Jacob is not explicitly mentioned after the book of Genesis, it likely played a role in Bet-El’s function as an important sacral centre, especially after the split between the southern kingdom of Judah, with Jerusalem as its political and religious centre, and the northern kingdom of Israel, with Bet-El and Dan as the religious centers. The prophet Amos for a while also lived and worked at the sanctuary of Bet-El, which was increasingly seen as a symbol of national and religious schism. Accordingly, Bet-El ceased to be a religious centre in 722, when the Assyrian Empire destroyed the northern kingdom and Judah annexed the remnants. Other traditions Some Scottish legends surrounding the Stone of Scone, traditionally used for coronations of Scottish kings in the High Middle Ages, have identified this stone with the Stone of Jacob. Supposedly the Stone of Jacob was brought to Ireland by the prophet Jeremiah and from thence to Scotland.
These legends also feature prominently in British Israelism, a set of beliefs that consider the British monarchy as the legitimate heir to the ancient Israelites. From 1308 to 1996, the Stone of Scone – identified with the Stone of Jacob – rested in the Royal throne of England at Westminster.

A guy from McDonalds goes to the Bishop and says…
Look if you change ‘give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily hamburger’ we’ll give you $1 million bucks.
Jesus, I don’t think we can do that.
OK, look, if you change’ give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily hamburger’ we’ll give the church $50 million.
So the Bishop goes to the Cardinal and the Cardinal goes to the Pope.
Hey Pope, McDonalds says that if we change ‘give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily hamburger’ they give us $50 million bucks.
Pope says, shit, you know what this means? We’ll have to get out of our contract with wonder bread.