Pope Joan Lyrics

"A Sad and Tragic History"

VOICE OF THE HOLY GHOST

ROME,

CITY OF ASSASSINATION,

WHERE THE HEARTS OF MEN AND WOMEN ARE CORRUPTED.

WHERE THE HOLY IS PROFANED

AND THE BLOOD OF RULERS FLOWS

LIKE MENSES FROM THE STRUMPET-RIVER TIBER.

(The music shifts to an ominous, almost jazzy cakewalk. The CARDINALS circle the POPE's body like vultures.)

THE CARDINALS

WHAT'S THAT SOUND ON THE EAR?

THE DEATH-RATTLE OF ANOTHER GERIATRIC POPE.

IT HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN.

SO STUFF HIM IN A COFFIN.

SAY A PRAYER AND PULL OUR HAIR AND SHED A TEAR.

THIS COULD BE GOOD FOR MY CAREER.

(The BISHOPS continue circling. ANASTASIUS and NICHOLAS eye each other warily. We see LOUIS, MARTINE, and JOAN back in the bedroom. JOAN is dressed. LOUIS is finishing, and MARTINE is packing LOUIS' clothes.)

LOUIS

Martine, I shall have need of your eyes and ears when we arrive in Rome.

MARTINE

On whom should I keep my eye, my Lord?

LOUIS

Anastasius.

JOAN

The renowned librarian?

LOUIS

Cardinal-Bishop Anastasius.

MARTINE

Ah -- Cardinal-Bishop Anastasius. Who is ...?

LOUIS

Devout. Thorough. Knows where all the bodies are buried.

MARTINE

Women?

LOUIS

That pious little bookworm? Doubtful.

MARTINE

Perhaps he hasn't had sufficient temptation.

LOUIS

Keep your mind on your work, Martine.

MARTINE

Yes, sire. Anyone else?

LOUIS

Cardinal-Bishop Nicholas. Treacherous. Ambitious. Underhanded.

MARTINE

Sounds familiar. Vices?

LOUIS

None worth mentioning. Which makes him dangerous.

JOAN

Do neither of them love God?

LOUIS

Does it matter?

(back to the Cardinals)

CARDINALS

WHAT'S THAT SMELL IN THE AIR?

THE HEADY AROMA OF A PUTREFYING POPE.

SO DRESS HIM AND PERFUME HIM

AND BLESS HIM AND ENTOMB HIM.

SAY A MASS AND LAY THE ASS OUT IN THE SQUARE

. AND WONDER WHO WILL NEXT BE THERE.

(Two CARDINALS stand viewing the body.)

CARDINAL 1

Poor man. Poisoned, don't you know.

CARDINAL 2

Then stabbed.

CARDINAL 1

Then drowned.

CARDINALS 1 and 2

Sloppy.

CARDINALS

IT'S A SAD AND TRAGIC HISTORY.

IT PAINS US TO REPORT

THE HOLDERS OF THE PAPACY ALL HAVE THEIR REIGNS CUT SHORT.

(The CARDINALS start to pilfer items from the dead POPE's body.)

SOME OF PETER'S NOBLE SCIONS

GOT THEMSELVES FED TO THE LIONS.

THERE'S BEEN POISON,

THERE'S BEEN PLOTTING

AND SOME GRISLY THROAT-GARROTING

. TO WIN THE SEAT,

YOU KILL AND CHEAT AND ROB.

I'M CLEARLY PERFECT FOR THE JOB.

(The scene continues; later:)

NICHOLAS

FOOLS! TOO OLD AND DENSE TO SEE THE PATH I SEE.

THEY HAVE NO LOVE OF GOD, NO SENSE OF HISTORY.

COVERING THEIR ASSES, THEIR FEAR, THEIR GREED SURPASSES

THE TRUMPET CALL OF DESTINY.

WHICH IS ME.

IT SHOULD BE ME.

CARDINALS

HABEMUS PAPAM.

WHAT'S THAT SOUND ON THE EAR?

THE DEATH-RATTLE OF ANOTHER GERIATRIC POPE.

IT HAPPENS FAR TOO OFTEN.

SO STUFF HIM IN A COFFIN.

SAY A PRAYER AND PULL OUR HAIR AND SHED A TEAR.

IT'S A SAD AND TRAGIC HISTORY

IT PAINS US TO REPORT.

THE HOLDERS OF THE PAPACY ALL HAVE THEIR REIGNS CUT SHORT.

SO GOOD LUCK, WE SEND BEST WISHES.

YOU'LL BE SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES.

SINCE YOU'RE ALTOGETHER WILLING,

THE REWARDS CAN BE FULFILLING.

YOU CAN REALLY MAKE A KILLING

BEING PETER'S EARTHLY SON.

AND GETTING THERE IS HALF THE FUN.

ANASTASIUS

Let us pray.

On to the next song

Scenes and Numbers

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